So, again, continuing where I left off with the last post: The last post was mostly focused on Day #5, and I wrote about a couple of realizations and some other topics regarding my experience there at the ward. According to my notes, I spoke with my sister around 1145 on Day #5. I didn’t talk on the phone as much that day. I told my sister that my effort to leave the psych ward went from a sprint to a marathon, and I wasn’t going to stress out about being there or missing school. I also mentioned the lawyer told me I could call anytime, but I was going to postpone calling the lawyer, and trying to arrange a phone call between the lawyer and the on-call psychiatrist, until the next day, which was a Sunday. I was using the resources I had, the best I could, so the next best thing to do was continue to think and be patient. I watched parts of a couple of movies, but I spent most of my time reading, napping, and enjoying the view.
I also participated in a group that day. Like I mentioned before, there is a level system for patients at the ward, and the higher the level, the more privileges a patient has. There was supposed to be a second group that day, but it either didn’t happen, or I wasn’t called to it. After I asked if the group was going to take place or not, people were saying “break” and “cry.” These kinds of games they played were somewhat annoying, but it didn’t affected me the way they wanted. I didn’t care too much about the leveling system, I just wanted to make an effort to leave. There were several instances where, since it was a messy situation, things didn’t make sense. For example, I had to answer a questionnaire that asked what my treatment related goals were, and I couldn’t answer, because it was all a sham. So I’d write stuff like, “N/A” for such questions.
So, I haven’t really had anybody to talk to in a while. I used to have a lot of friends, and I’ve had a couple of girlfriends, but I’ve also spent a lot of time alone. For example, I spent two years studying computer science online. Then gradually, people became fake with me, and it was almost impossible for me to have a real conversation with anybody. I’d say it started around the same time the cyberstalking started. I’d also say it’s because I became more aware; much of the information I’ve gotten has been delivered to me implicitly, some of which was used to hurt me. So there are a lot of things that I have realized, but I haven’t had anyone to actually talk to about. Much of the stuff I realized, mostly everyone already knows, and knew before I knew. Secrets were kept from me for years, and most people I know help keep those secrets from me. There was actually this one time when my ex girlfriends mother said something like, “shh, he’ll eventually know what you’re actually saying,” talking about my ex girlfriends little brother, but was actually referring to me. There was also this one time when a girl I knew from high school oddly said, “he knows!” referring to a new song I knew about, but actually referring to something else. Now that I know those secrets, I think it’s difficult for these people to tell me they knew. Or, for example, I know that there are a lot of people who know that I’m being stalked and cyberstalked, and have even contributed to the stalking and cyberstalking, and no one has approached me to tell me they know what’s going on; and I promise, people who do help me with information will be rewarded. Anyway, back to the point; I haven’t really had anyone to tell these stories or realizations to, and if I do, I usually get fake responses. So now, I write my stories and realizations to this blog to tell the whole world. Since I was away from my blog, and I was scheduled two one-to-one’s per day at the ward, I talked about some stories and realizations that I have yet to write to this blog.
So let me start with one of these stories I told. Before people started referring to me as “PewDiePie,” people referred to me as “Tom,” the guy from MySpace. So why did people refer to me as “Tom?” At first, I had no idea. I would think, why do people keep on saying “Tom?” Was it because he wears a white tee? I rapped about wearing white tees when I ran for leadership president in high school. That couldn’t be it, but it’s what I thought for some time. Then when I realized how well known I was, I figured it’s because everyone knows who Tom is, and that’s what I thought for some time. Then years later, I realized. LOL, my life is so bizarre. (I started writing this blog post later than usual, so I’ll continue on the next one.)
To be continued…