5-3-22
Shorty Wanna Be A Thug
I realized something recently, I’d say within the last couple of months. If I’m recalling correctly, for Christmas one year, my sisters and I bought my father an iPod. He had several songs on the iPod and one of the songs was “Shorty Wanna Be A Thug” by 2Pac. He would sing along to this song, or just randomly say, “shorty wanna be a thug,” but instead of saying “thug” he would say “tug.” I had no idea why my father would say “tug” instead of “thug.” I thought he must have been mishearing the song or misspeaking. I recently realized this misspeak was intentional, and in relation to me.
This isn’t a song one would think my father would listen to, given his age and the generation he belongs to. I’m figuring my father grew fond of this song because of a girlfriend he had before he married my stepmother. This girlfriend of his was younger than him. I’m not sure how much younger she was, but she was young enough for me to say that the generation she belongs to would be the generation that would listen to the song in question, and probably young enough for her to be his daughter.
Here are some parallels to the song and the reason I believe my father’s misspeak was intentional:
- The song is about a young kid who says that he wants to be a thug like the older guys he hangs out with. I used to spend a lot of time around my father and his friends.
- The song describes this kid as “middle class.” My father was a blue collar worker and made a decent salary. He also dealt drugs. So relative to the people he generally spent time with, he generally had more funds. So I guess you could consider my father, and our family, “middle class.”
- Then the song goes on to say “nobody knew the evil he’d do when he got a little bigger.” It’s quite obvious to me now that my father had resentment for me since I was young. I wouldn’t say he was overtly abusive; the abuse was covert, because he needed me to “like” him, and I was very loyal to my father. So I believe my father had hoped that I would grow up to be a troublemaker. Luckily, I had good influences. He tried to mold me into a troublemaker, for example, when he pressured me to fight that guy in the eighth grade. I have yet to mention one of the reasons my father pressured me to fight is because he actually thought that I was losing the fear of fighting. I’d say at least a couple of months before that fight in the eight grade, I got into a tussle during a soccer game. The adrenaline was flowing, and I tried to tackle a big guy to the ground by grabbing a single leg, but he was hopping, so I couldn’t tackle him, so I bailed after he started throwing punches. I didn’t strike, I was just trying to wrestle, because he was big guy playing rough. Since he threw punches, he got a red card, and I got a yellow card. So that’s one of the reasons my father was trying to encourage me into being a violent individual who fights, but I was sensical, and knew better, and the only reason I fought that guy in the eighth grade is because my father pressured me. What’s more, to further live up to this song of turning me into an “evil doer,” my father and my stepmother’s family encouraged the child abuse of me. I can’t recall when the child abuse started, but I know the exact incident when the child abuse got bad. The child abuse was an exploitation of my sexuality. I was exhibiting behaviors that weren’t being corrected, but encouraged instead. So with my step cousin, it started with secretly kissing. My step cousin lived with her mother, grandparents, and great grandmother, and I’m sure they were all aware of the kissing. I recall being in the fourth grade and learning anatomy, and it was the one subject I was good at because it simply involved memorization of bones and muscles. One day when I mentioned “gluteus maximus” to tell my father the name of that muscle, he paused and repeated the word, but he said it intentionally misspeaking to say my step cousin’s name; that was his effort to encourage my behavior. At the time I thought the misspeak was obviously odd, but I didn’t have the critical thinking skills to understand the reason for the misspeak. The plan of the child abuse of me must have already been discussed. A second example regarding the encouraging of my behavior to portray me as an evil doer is the “advice” my father gave me one day while I was sitting in the same place when he misspoke “gluteus maximus.” My father was telling me (I have no idea how old I was) how you can pick up on women at a bar. He told me that if you are sitting at a bar with a woman and you get an erection, to put the woman’s hand on your erection, and if she freaks out, tell her it’s alright. I guess this is what sparked my interest in obtaining a handjob from my “secrete girlfriend.” It was that advice, and other sexual stuff my father would say that led me to obtain a handjob from my step cousin. I’d say I was still inhibited at the time. I asked my stepmother if I could camp out with my step cousin in the front yard in a tent. In hindsight, she seemed nervous, but at the time I thought she was just busy multitasking. She told me she would ask my father. After waiting, I asked again, and she said that it would be okay. What’s surprising to me is this incident seems to be very well known by many people, and was probably well known immediately after the incident. Again, I do not recall how old I was, but if what I’m gathering is accurate, I believe I was being called a pedophile as early as the fourth grade. I also recall having orgasms before being able to ejaculate, and then later having orgasms with ejaculation before growing any pubic hair. In conclusion, this is the reason my father would say “short wanna be a tug,” and a bit surprising, but I believe my father has had the people around me allude to “tug” very recently.
- The song goes on to mention “Newport” which is the name of a cigarette brand. My father’s young girlfriend would smoke Newports. I recall being a stubborn kid and would complain to her about smoking in the car while driving us to school; she’d fully roll down the windows. One day I tried to hide her cigarettes and she got upset. So, I’m figuring she would listen to this song, smoke Newports, and this is how my father grew fond of this song, and she probably thought about me when listening to this song, and might have even mentioned me or alluded to me while listening to this song in my father presence. Newports have been recently alluded to, not too recent, I’d say about a year ago. I’m not exactly sure why Newports were alluded to. At the time, I associated Newports with this girlfriend of my father, and not this song. I figured the allusion to Newports was to turn people against me, as if to say this girlfriend of my father doesn’t support me. The cyberstalking culture tends to suggest people are on their side and I’d say sometimes it’s not entirely accurate and just being said to instill confidence in the cyberstalking culture; it’s a guise. I can’t say that I think this girlfriend of my father is against me or entirely on my father’s side. The reason I believe this is because of another recent realization regarding the hill that had a huge “RIP” carved into it sometime after the height of the child abuse. I already mentioned in a vlog one time my father and I drove pass the hill. There was another time we drove pass the “RIP” on the hill, which is of significance and is regarding the realization. So one day as my father and I were approaching this hill, driving on the freeway, I tell my father that I see his ex girlfriend driving. She was driving with a woman front passenger, and a guy sitting behind her in the back passenger seat. My father started driving like a maniac, sped up to catch up to her, and was eventually driving along the side of her vehicle. Even though my father was driving crazy like and honking excessively, even holding the horn for long periods of time, she and the other passengers were totally ignoring the horn, as if they weren’t hearing anything. This continued for a moment and after passing the hill, my father’s ex girlfriend finally briefly looks at us, and takes a puff from her cigarette, and continues to drive calmly. I was confused by my father’s behavior, but it wasn’t the first time he acted like a maniac. I was also confused by my father’s ex girlfriend behavior. In hindsight, I think she was letting my father know that she had heard about the height of the child abuse and she was aware that it was my father’s responsibility. She was smoking a cigarette, most likely a Newport, to probably allude to this song.
- The song goes on to say “was only sixteen, yet convicted as a felon, with a bunch of old [guys], but you the only who ain’t telling,” or something similar. That’s the story for young people without proper guidance who are around older people who can manipulate younger people. The old people act like they care about the young people, but they actually don’t, because they are probably encouraging bad behavior, and then when you get in trouble, they don’t have your back and you’re the one to blame. That’s my story, and that’s the story of my cousin who the cyberstalking culture had attack me. The cyberstalking culture pressured my cousin to attack me, yet I was the only one trying to bail him out. He had been recently released from prison and he was flown back to the state where he was a prisoner. This is why I’m sure my cousin is no longer very supportive of the cyberstalking culture; he was betrayed by the cyberstalking culture. I believe since I showed up to advocate for him and not press charges, he was released from prison early; he was charged with felony assault. There is a reason the cyberstalking culture wanted my cousin to attack me. The narrative would be that a dumb “gangster” prisoner got upset with me and attacked me and the cyberstalking culture had nothing to do with it. As for me, I think I was fourteen at the height of the child abuse, but the child abuse started years before, and even though the child abuse started years before, there actually were not many instances. For sometime I thought I was thirteen because that was the age my father gave me and two of my soccer teammates meth before a soccer game. The cyberstalking culture suggests that I was fifteen years old. I thought if the behavior ever came up, it would be dealt with by the family members; I actually haven’t really talked about this with anyone yet. Growing up, and before the cyberstalking, I felt very loved and liked.
- The song goes one to say “I tell you it’s a cold world, stay in school.” I’ve written before that my father would tell me to do good in school, and that I thought he was sincere with his advice, until it was evident he didn’t actually want me to do well in school. I’m now convinced he was living to the story of this song, where it’s being advised to stay in school, yet still being told to break the rules and misled. So even though my father was advising me to do well in school, he was encouraging and fostering my bad behavior; double-dealing.
- Then the song says “Straight from the Hall to the Penn, Adolescent […] scaling weight and standing Six feet Ten.” So the way I interpret this is this young guy wanted to be a thug, got into trouble, and went to prison. He’s grown into a tall and strong individual. This could mean this young guy probably had a lot of potential to be a professional athlete. In my case, one time when my father was telling me to stay in school, he also mentioned saving money, and not spending money on lotto tickets or cigarettes; his friends would buy lotto tickets and smoke cigarettes. I think the reason my father mentioned lotto tickets is because he was implicitly saying that I essentially won the lotto. I was very well known, and I had no idea. So being “famous” would be like winning the lotto, just like being tall and strong would be like winning the lotto. This is one reason for the child abuse; it was to rob me of the supposed apparent fame.
So when my father says “shorty wanna be a tug,” he’s pretty much ridding himself of any responsibility and saying that the responsibility lies solely with me because I wanted a handjob. He’s also saying since I exhibited this behavior, I’m now considered an “evil doer.” In addition to this, my father also wanted to blame other influences, such as music, for my behavior. I can say that it was not the music that influenced my behavior. There’s another song by 2Pac with the following lyrics: “we’re the last ones left.” The cyberstalking culture suggests that I’m a gangster like individual, or something, and that I’m the last one, if not the only one, or something, I’m not too sure, but “last one” is frequently alluded to.